The 36 questions to fall in love

Set I — Warming up

The first twelve questions are light on the surface and heavier underneath. They invite preferences, small wishes, and the first honest sketch of who you are. Take your time; the answers are practice for the sets that follow.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a 'perfect' day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II — Going deeper

The middle twelve ask you to look at yourself more honestly: memories, regrets, the people who shaped you. This is where mutual vulnerability begins to compound — each answered question makes the next one easier to answer truthfully.

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share five items each.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III — Tender ground

The final twelve are the ones people remember. They ask you to name fears, regrets, and the things you'd want said before it was too late. Speak more slowly here. The point isn't to finish — it's to stay.

1. Make three true 'we' statements each. For instance, 'We are both in this room feeling…'
2. Complete this sentence: 'I wish I had someone with whom I could share…'
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

How to use the questions

The original study gave each pair about forty-five minutes. With a partner, that's often too brisk. A few small rules that help:

• Take them in order. The escalation is the point. Skipping ahead breaks the small staircase of trust the early questions build.
• Both of you answer each one. Reciprocity is what does the work. A question only one of you answers is an interview, not an exchange.
• Don't rush a hard answer. Sitting with a question for a minute is a kind of honesty too.
• Split it across nights. One set per evening is plenty. Set III, especially, deserves its own quiet hour.
• End with the four minutes. The silent eye contact at the end is the part most couples skip and most remember.

Why mutual vulnerability works

Aron's finding wasn't that any particular question is magic. It was that closeness grows when two people disclose at roughly the same pace, on roughly the same depth. One person opens; the other meets them there; the next question opens a little further. Done with care, that pattern teaches a relationship something it can keep using long after the list is finished: that it's safe to go first.

The questions don't make you fall in love. They make it easier to be known. With a stranger, that can feel like falling. With someone you've loved for years, it can feel like coming back.